What Helps?

by Rebecca Crichton

I attend a daily online meditation practice. It always includes breathing, blessings, healing wishes, and gratitude.  It helps ground me and sets good intentions and direction for the day. One of the regular leaders, before we enter our breakout rooms, reminds the collected Zoomers: No Correcting, Advising, Fixing, or Saving.  

The first time I heard that, I was struck by how he had captured what is, for many of us, a default mode of behavior.  Part of me pushes back with snark: What else is there to do? Isn’t that what we do for each other? To say nothing about our internal voices, constantly commenting on everything that needs improvement in ourselves.

Most of us grew up in a variety of systems, from familial to educational to social, based on always being judged and critiqued. We are told how to change behaviors, overcome weaknesses, and address what is deemed unacceptable. Our workplaces and adult relationships are also rife with being watched, criticized, and corrected. And of course, social media is all about making everybody feel less than.

Sylvia Boorstein, a respected Buddhist teacher, commented that as soon as we start comparing ourselves to others, we create suffering. And it is never enough. There will always be people we consider better, smarter, more beautiful, and more successful.  And of course, richer!

Consider this underlying contradiction: Many of us have a default desire to help others, even when not asked. We also believe we shouldn’t ask for help for ourselves. (For a deeper dive into my thoughts on this, read The Burden of Dependence.)

If we are not helping others by Correcting, Advising, Fixing, or Saving, what are ways to relate that support connection, growth, and change? What helps?  Who decides what help looks like? What can we learn about helping others and allowing others to help us?

And why is it so hard for us to ask for help? Answers include: We don’t want to feel vulnerable. We don’t like admitting we need the help. We fear being rejected and judged if we ask.

This is the paradox. We don’t like asking for help from others, but we believe we have ways to help them. The issue isn’t that what we offer is not needed; it’s that we often offer it without checking if the person we are advising actually wants our counsel.

My daughter, a Hospice Social Worker, sometimes reminds me to check about whether she wants to be Heard, Helped, or Hugged? Not surprisingly, she usually just wants to be heard. For most people, that is also what is most wanted.

One of the best ways to get to know someone is to learn about their lives and what interests them. Inquiry, curiosity, and truly open-ended questions can create opportunities for connection that may allow us to be in helpful and supportive relationships with each other.  

I’m not suggesting that we should never offer help. I am saying that we need to nurture relationships where we can both help others and receive help. Let go of the tit-for-tat score sheet. It’s a bigger circle. We may help others who then go on and help someone else. Our attempt to keep things in balance, by only letting someone help if we can repay them, needs to be reexamined.

In some ways, it’s easier for us to ask for help with obvious emergencies than with day-to-day needs. We can justify the seriousness of a big need as opposed to what might seem less important.

Practicing with small steps—asking someone for a ride or to buy groceries for us, or to water our plants—is a good way to build comfort with asking for help.