Take Comfort

by Rebecca Crichton

Studies of child development document the importance of the transitional object, something that allows children to self-soothe and feel comforted. Parents often experience anxiety related to hoping a child will settle sooner rather than later when put down for a nap or bedtime. The dilemma of how long to let a child cry before offering face-to-face comfort depends on many factors, including culture and what is considered good parenting.

Perhaps the ultimate take-wherever-you-go comfort object is the thumb. Which brings up its own dilemma: how long will a child rely on their thumbs when they need calming and comforting?

The most unique strategy for blending self-comforting and adult behavior I have ever encountered was demonstrated by a friend in college. When feeling safe, my friend could suck her thumb, smoke a cigarette, and drink a glass of wine, all at the same time. We watched mesmerized as she juggled which hand played each role while engaging in witty repartee with us. It was a memorable example of oral fixation along with a strange experience of cognitive dissonance. I was impressed by her ability to tend to her own needs— as well as her manual dexterity.

Perhaps topping the list of childhood comforts are stuffed teddy bears or other animals. The range of stuffed friends is far greater than those my daughter enjoyed as a small child. Whether Komodo dragons or sleepy sloths, a zoo’s worth of choices await anyone on the lookout for the perfect soft companion.

Stuffed toys are not just for kids. A small, non-scientific poll of friends who I ask about stuffed toys in their lives confirms their presence in more households—and cars—than one would suspect. I have two on my bed, perched jauntily on top of the pillows each morning. Named after our first dog, Lilo, the white Beanie Baby poodle that belonged to my mother, moves at bedtime to cover the LED display of my bedside clock.

I acquired my second stuffed companion, Lambie, right before the Pandemic. When heated in the microwave, she provides instant physical warmth and relaxation. Lambie offered comfort during the lockdown and continues to do so.

As adults, we need to develop a toolbox of strategies for comforting ourselves when things are scary, upsetting, or dangerous.  (I won’t enumerate what those might be. More seem to join the list daily…)

I asked friends what brings them comfort.

• Of course, there are the foods. Creamy and cold, warm and soothing, crisp and crunchy… You want to snack or binge? Just a convenience store away.
• Entertainment and distractions include jigsaw and crossword puzzles—one friend does up to seven online crosswords a day, ranging from ones she can do in under 5 minutes to those requiring several sessions.
• Watching and possibly binging the vast trove of movies and streaming series seems to be the nightly habit of many of my friends.
• Meditation, prayer, and other internal practices support many of us. Journaling can offer a route to introspection.
• On the physical plane, Nature literally grounds us. Walking with intention and focus reminds us of the cycles of the seasons, the daily change in weather, and the beauty around us.
• Friends, family, and community can play an important role in providing comfort and support.

When we don’t have go-to strategies for physical and mental renewal, we are at risk of losing the capacity to respond appropriately to the challenges that confront us.

I often share that I ask myself What’s mine to do?, as I contemplate my role in the world. How do I take care of myself? is its corollary. If I don’t do the latter, I can’t fulfill the former.