Rethinking Control

by Rebecca Crichton

My family’s mantra was “Let’s keep things under control.” It wasn’t that we were floundering, it was more a belief that we could, with effort, keep things organized and predictable – controllable.

I once wrote that the “C” word worse than Cancer was Control. It was rigid, critical, and demanding. I tried avoiding controlling people who believed they knew the answers to most questions and definitely knew how others were supposed to behave. They constantly shoulded on others, declaring rules they believed applied to everyone.

I identify as Boomer-adjacent, the generation blamed for breaking many of the rules and regulations of those who came before. I was slightly ahead of my cohort’s curve in the choices I made in my twenties. I used marijuana recreationally – I knew it was illegal but that didn’t stop me or my friends from indulging. I joined the first wave of consciousness raising women’s groups. I was divorced half a year ahead of my friends whose marriages also dissolved in those early days of the social movements changing our culture decisively.

Here I am decades later, with more time in the rearview mirror than what lies ahead. People I love are coping with the expected and unexpected challenges age brings. Some have chronic conditions, some have dementia. People close to me have died recently.

And without getting overly political, I will state the obvious: today’s world is altering in ways that we can’t yet fully predict. There are changes at the national and international level that will impact us all differently, depending on each person’s situation. The incoming administration has been clear about removing regulations and guard rails.

I have come to believe that some kinds of regulations and controls are good for us, both collectively and personally. They can keep us from running amok. They can help us stay healthy. We know we have to make choices about how to keep our bodies and systems working so can do whatever it is that allows us to live fully.

Time for a reframe! Time to acknowledge and embrace the need and value of self-regulation and self-control. I’m not talking about new rules we decide we need — and then rebel against. I’m suggesting taking an honest look at the habits and choices in our lives and evaluating them for their usefulness.

Consider it an emotional process akin to Marie Kondo’s famous question to ask about whether to keep something: Does it give me joy? We can ask: Is what I am doing good for me? Do I feel better when I do it? Do I come away feeling pleased and proud or apologetic and guilty?

I find the concept of a Virtuous Cycle helpful. That is where one positive outcome leads to another, which then reinforces the first behavior. This can begin a cycle of positive behaviors. (We tend to be more familiar with negative models – the Snowball Effect, or the Slippery Slope.)

How do I regulate myself?  My strategies include regular meditation, daily walks outside, being with friends, eating food that delights me, noticing and creating beauty. Singing in a choir. Finding things that amuse and connect me with others. Laughing.

None of it is radical; my choices fall right in the mainstream of what we know helps us stay well.

Many of my feeds and friends are deciding what we can do personally and collectively to protect the values we believe in. Staying well mentally and physically is essential. Which controls and rules will help you do that best?