The ‘F’ Word

by Rebecca Crichton

When I was teaching managers to be better leaders at Boeing, the team I worked with to deliver curriculum to the various levels of management were told: “We don’t do the F Word!”

We were surprised at first, assuming, as most people would, that we were being warned against coarse and unacceptable – at least in a corporate classroom – language.

Turns out the ‘F’ word in question was Feelings! We said we would take the warning to heart. We shared a list of 100 Feeling Words to help members of the class express what they felt. We knew that people feel emotions all the time, whether they express them or not.

Many of the class participants had literally never used most of the words, especially the ones that expressed vulnerability. They also didn’t use positive, appreciative words with their employees, something we encouraged them to do. Not because the managers themselves were necessarily considerate and caring, but because data showed that expressing support and other positive emotions improves employee performance and morale.

We know that some people feel things more emotionally and physically than others. Some of us, including myself, are more in our heads, not knowing what we feel directly but having to discover what they’re feeling more indirectly. When someone asks me what I feel, I invariably say: “I think I feel….”

Our society puts a premium on rational thinking. We believe we make important decisions with our brains, weighing the pros and cons. In fact, research continues to show that most of us are driven by our emotions, often unconsciously affecting the decisions we make.

There are 47 words for Snow in Eskimo languages. (I know you thought there were 100 but this is the recent count.) That fact, the multiplicity of choices for describing one thing, is often compared to the indiscriminate use of the word Love in our language. We love our food, our TVs, our apps, our families…

I like to believe that Love – however we define it – is the critical element determining our attachments. It is certainly core to most faith traditions and shows up across the spectrum of belief systems. We also know that other emotions can override Love. We only have to consider the news to see how the emotions of Fear, Hate, and Blame are the base of much of what is happening now.

Humans seek connection through what we share. We share good things that make us feel more alike. Whether it is where we grew up or our favorite product from Trader Joe’s, each shared discovery creates a little Ping! of connection. Unfortunately, we also bond strongly when we discover that we fear and hate the same things or people. Don’t think that applies to you? If you are a fan of any sport, you know what it feels like to wish ill on the team you don’t root for!

At this time in our world, retribution, degradation, and othering are prevailing. We must find ways to remember the importance of tapping into compassion, connection, and our common humanity.

May we all explore the richness of feelings that can lead to actions that connect us, not divide us.