Surprise Yourself!

by Rebecca Crichton

A good friend used to bemoan how she believed her three grown children didn’t really know her. “I know they love me, but they don’t ask about the work I do or what it means to me.”

Her comment led to the topic of one of the Wisdom Cafes I facilitate for the King County Library System. The description reads:

People closest to you may feel they ‘know’ you. However, you may not have shared part of who you are with them. What stories would you like to share with family and friends but haven’t known how to?

Many insights and shared realizations emerge each time we have that conversation. Some people admitted that perhaps some of what we wanted to share with their children might not have been appropriate – the problems in their marriages or sex lives. Most people do not want to hear about their parents’ relationship or sexual history.

I had a partner – a trained psychoanalyst – who frequently responded to something I said I might do if a particular situation might happen, by pronouncing, “I know you and you would never do that!”

I learned not to push back. I had floated the idea as a kind of trial balloon. His need to shoot it was his problem, not mine, and didn’t convince me. I didn’t know what I would actually do if the situation occurred. In fact, I sometimes did wind up doing what he was sure I wouldn’t. I never regretted those decisions. 

People close to you – family members and friends – know you based on the many years and experiences they have seen and shared. They might be able to predict how you will respond or behave in any given situation. Or not.

While we all might aspire to knowing ourselves – Socrates said it way back when, after all – I think it’s equally important to be open to discovery and surprise. We may know what we have done in the past. We may tell the same stories, perhaps making the effort to glean new learning each time. 

What if we asked ourselves if there is another way to see our old stories? What if we stopped looking at our stories about the ‘Way we are’ as givens and wondered how else we might be? What if we were really open to hearing a different perspective from those close to us, or considering another lens of our own making as a way of seeing ourselves differently?

I’ve written about how new learning happens on the ‘edge of our comfort zones.’ Too much comfort is good but yields little that is new. Too far out and we are off balance and hanging on for dear life. However, a little bit of discomfort can act as an invitation to reflect and learn. Can we be open to what is called forth by the unknown?

What can you learn and keep learning about yourself in the world? If you want to take a risk, ask the people closest to you how they see you and what they value about you. Just remember, nobody is objective. Each opinion represents the person who is offering it as much as whatever ‘truth’ we might learn from it.

You just might be surprised!