Reaching Our Limits

by Rebecca Crichton

I recently told somebody that I had reached the quota for the number of words available to me for that day. I don’t know what that number is exactly, but I do know that if I write the 1000 words that is my daily goal for my journal, and then meet and talk deeply with people, focus on work, and schedule more meetings, there will come a point where I realize I can’t engage any more. I’ve drained my tank, I’ve reached the capacity of what I can do—or at least what I can put into words.

A friend whose husband was diagnosed with a chronic disease was told to think about his energy as if it were a bottle of an essential substance. The PT who offered that metaphor told them to acknowledge that the bottle held a finite number of teaspoons for each day.  

Whatever we choose to do—whether it’s brushing our teeth, talking to others, or having a meal—they all use up teaspoons of energy. When the bottle is empty, you need to stop, recharge, and allow it to fill up again.

For myself, I’m discovering that I can’t do as much as I used to. Now, when I deplete that daily dose of energy, no matter how, I hit a wall. It doesn’t take that long to recharge, but if I don’t do it, I pay a price.

The holiday season comes with expectations, including the desire to be with people we care about. Juggling the many demands and hopes takes its toll in terms of energy. It is also the time of year when people who struggle with loss, physical disabilities, and other challenges can feel isolated and out of synch. We live in a culture that expects us to be joyous, happy, and not bring others down with our difficult realities. This adds an additional burden.

Even when we understand how good it feels to help others, we often resist letting others have that good feeling from helping us. The dominant American ethos is that we don’t need help and we shouldn’t ask for it. Even at this time of year, when we are urged to help others, we don’t want to admit that we are have needs.

Strategies for dealing with holiday stress abound on the Internet. An important one is being honest with yourself and being clear about what your needs are when you ask for help. Whether it’s shopping for groceries, driving you to an appointment, or walking the dog, it is easier for people to respond to a specific need. Even if you need some time and space for yourself, let people know.

The corollary is also true: We need to be clear about what we are able to offer as help, even if it’s just visiting for an hour. Again, we need to be specific.

At a recent Wisdom Café at Richmond Beach Library, we talked about what gets in the way of asking for help. We explored the spectrum between Independence and Dependence, with the hope of discovering how best to be Interdependent.

A participant offered an important insight. We tend to be unconsciously dependent on things we take for granted: our cars, electricity, hot water, our devices. The more we take something for granted, she said, the less gratitude we feel for it. A practice you might explore is simply noticing the many things in your lives, large and small, that deserve gratitude.