Purposeful

by Rebecca Crichton

Last month, my daughter Erika and I presented Here’s to the Future, our intergenerational conversation about aging, care, and end of life at the Bellingham Unitarian Fellowship. I shared how I have begun to monitor my various behaviors, activities, and thinking. I asked if others in the audience were also doing that. The number of raised hands confirmed that I am not alone.

I do a lot. As unexpected as it feels to be engaged in the most significant work of my life at this advanced – dare I say venerable? – age, it is true. I once joked that I am a ‘fool for meaning,’ referring to the activities I have chosen that range from officiating at weddings to being a hospice volunteer to facilitating grief support groups. Deep and meaningful conversations feed my need for both connection and learning.

A recent Wisdom Café at the Richmond Beach Library was about Life Purpose. I wasn’t always this focused or clear about what my purpose was. When I was younger, what I was doing as a parent, worker, friend, and family member provided plenty of purpose, although I wouldn’t have stated it that way.

Many people live with strong purposes that lead to the work they do, the people they know, and the choices they make. I might venture a guess that for many, the importance of a sense of purpose might not show up as relevant until they retire, their children leave home, or they experience other changes relating to age.

I sometimes reveal that my deepest fear as a young adult was that I would do nothing except watch daytime TV and eat bonbons. (Bonbons, a word from the past!)

That fear of feeding myself both empty content and unhealthy food might be among the reasons I have trouble relaxing and allowing myself to just be in the moment. You might know the teaching: We need to learn how to be Human Beings and not Human Doings. In one of the hospice trainings I attended, we were instructed: “Don’t Do something; just Sit there.”

 Easier said than done.

After a dozen years of working in the field of aging, I find myself attempting to reconsider concepts we use automatically and historically without thinking about what they might mean in our present lives.

My present desire is to rehabilitate the word ‘busy.’ We use it indiscriminately, often with unacknowledged judgment. We strive to ‘keep busy.’ I sometimes take umbrage when a friend tells me I am ‘too busy.’ I associate it with mindless activity, doing things that aren’t necessary or meaningful.

My replacement words, when I can remember to use them, include engaged, active, immersed, and connected. Being busy like a bee or Energizer bunny doesn’t appeal. And I accept that what might be meaningful to me might appear as busyness to someone else.

Which returns me to how I monitor myself. I joke that I don’t want to spend time with friends listening to Organ Recitals… endless recitations of the various physical systems going awry. Nonetheless, I pay attention to the ever-changing updates from the physical realm. Do I need to do something about the sudden stab of pain in my knee? Has the spot on my forehead changed enough to see a dermatologist?

In addition, we should not dismiss or ignore persistent changes in capacity or cognition. I need to notice and share what I am feeling and doing so that the people who care about me can join in my concerns, especially when some of what is happening feels scary.

I appreciate that my daughter and I are doing work to help my cohort and the younger generation find ways to discuss concerns and changes before something serious occurs. I sometimes ask friends if they would want their family or others close to them to tell them when they see or hear things that concern them. The answers differ, although more people say they want to know what others are seeing, even if they don’t like what is being said. While autonomy is something to be admired and desired, ignorance will cost more than we can afford.

We need to pay attention to what we are doing and share what we notice with those close to us, both friends and family. A primary purpose for each of us is to do what we can to stay healthy and safe.